Pink Puffy Sleeves

Is anyone even out there?

2009-11-02T20:16:00.002-06:00

A lot can happen in two months. One thing that has not happened is I have not moved to New York. I remain envious that other states not only GET snow, but are already getting snow. Plus, it was 74 degrees today here in central Oklahoma and I think that is ridiculous in NOVEMBER and I hereby lodge a complaint with the Department of Nothing is Going to Change in this State. Also, mowing. In November. Seriously.

So in the past month, my eldest child moved in with her father temporarily and enjoyed the benefit of having her own bedroom. We only have three bedrooms you see and NO ONE wants to share a bedroom with anyone else, least of all me. M and D, they have personality clashes (which I think are amusing, and they do not). Needless to say, it has been time for a new house for quite awhile, but I LOVE my small mortgage payment, I enjoy my large yard, and I stay here primarily to irritate the crap out of each and every one of my neighbors. I have also remodeled this house from top to bottom and who wants to do all of that work for someone else? Not me.

Irregardless is not a word.

I have sold my house. And I got a good price for it. Tomorrow I find out if the appraiser agrees with said price.

In other news, my eldest daughter's step mother has inspired me to cook more. From scratch. I haven't put this into practice, yet, but I am totally going to. I will, of course, require said step mother's recipes. I will also need a bottle of bourbon. Per evening. But whatever it takes, right?

Last of all, I found and moved to a new office. And now my back hurts.

Entrance Only: Do Not Enter

2009-09-10T20:16:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went to a super cool networking event, referred to as the OKC Tweet Up, and this cool guy named Hector was doing caricatures. Needless to say, I'm hot. I know, none of you is the least bit surprised. You should totally check out his awesomeness at www.hectorlopezart.com.

My daughter just asked me which bill Abraham Lincoln was on. I don't know. I know he is on pennies. I should know more about paper money I think, and less about pennies.

My son asked me yesterday while driving, "So what happens if you run over a Ninja?" Crap, my kids are totally stumping me. Also, I hope I don't run over a Ninja. Cats yes, Ninjas no.

Read on MLIA today about how a little girl wanted to play Cinderella and the mom put her to work, scrubbing floors and such. TOTALLY going to try this with one of my kids. I will let you know how that works out.

Looking for bigger office space, and still not happy at all with Oklahoma, but knowing here is it for a spell. Except it was cooler today and drizzled and was over cast, and so that was completely and utterly okay with me. I think maybe upstate New York is less my style and Seattle is more my style. But I still heart upstate New York a bunch and a bunch.

I'm from Kalamazoo

2009-09-07T21:29:00.003-05:00

My son insists on making sound effects for EVERYTHING. I wish sometimes that he could just walk without sound effects. Or just breathe without sound effects.

In other news, I saw the movie Julie and Julia this weekend. All I have to say about that is BUTTER. Next up I saw Inglorious Basterds. Primarily because when it is hot outside, I have no desire to BE outside. And this weekend was no different than most in what I consider yet another quite miserable Oklahoma summer weekend.

Back to Inglorious Basterds. Rated R, for good reason. The violence in and of itself wasn't over the top, it was the fact that they showed EVERYTHING that made it so disgusting. Scalping people? Showing how that works? Really? I don't need a visual. I totally understand the concept. Still, bravo to Brad Pitt, who is not my favorite actor per se, but who was an absolute hit in this movie.

Finally, my son has decided he hates my job. That's right, the law one I spent three years in school for and studied for the bar and took the bar and cried and wailed and what not. That job. Not sure what on earth he expects me to do about this, er, problem.

M to the A yo

2009-08-27T21:19:00.003-05:00

I'm warning you now. I posted surgery pics. BEWARE. Okay, they aren't that bad, but the drama and build up, man, I totally had you going....

M recently had surgery on her defective foot. When she was born, we tried to return the foot, but guess what, totally can't do that kind of thing. We scheduled her surgery for the soonest possible date, which ended up being the first week of school. BUT, I don't want her in a cast come ice storm 2010, so we got it done the most soonest because it needed to be done. She was back and forth about actually showing up for the surgery, but I explained about the surgeon's time and how much we might still get to pay if she no showed and so she better decide ASAP (because the surgery will help in the long run, but if she is adamant she doesn't want it, it will be a no-go.)

She was pretty optimistic, particularly when she figured out she didn't have to be awake or aware when the IV went in. Unfortunately, this option is not available for grown ups. Just look at her. YAY for surgery. This is a breeze, right?

After surgery, not so great. Turns out, my little M doesn't respond well to anesthesia, despite receiving anti-nausea meds. Not so YAY over surgery afterwards.

AND, I present to you, the foot.... Just be glad I couldn't get close enough to snap shots of the incisions. Those were totally eweth.

She's still having some swelling, but since I had this surgery myself when I was a teenager, I know in the long run she is far better off.

Maybe next time, you should do it yourself.

2009-08-26T16:29:00.005-05:00

I remember when I was a little girl, one of my most favorite things was for my mommy to tickle my back. I would have let her tickle my back for hours without a thought that it might make her tired. I doubt it ever lasted for hours, but the moments in my child hood that stand out as favorites include the times my back got tickled.

My children inherited that selfish vibe from me. I mean, they inherited the tickle back desires from me, without a thought about how tired mommy's arm might become, or how tired mommy might be as a whole. My son, in particular, loves to have his back tickled. He also loves it when I draw pictures and he guesses what I drew, or I draw letters or numbers and he guesses what I wrote.

The other night, I must confess, I was extremely tired when he asked. Extremely tired is the equivalent for me of being extremely delirious. As a result, my son got far more than he bargained for when he asked me for the umpteenth millionth time to draw pictures on his back so he could guess what I was drawing....

I have volunteered my fantastical back drawing skills twice now since then, but he has declined....

I think you've spun off your axis a little

2009-08-23T15:47:00.007-05:00

I haven't written about the rest of our road trip because there is little to write. Won't be making that mistake again. Many of my two lovely readers know my children's full names. We have embarked on a quest to visit cities of the same names as my children and it turns out, those cities exist. So part of our road trip was visiting Wisconsin, where the lovely city of Madison is located. The Capitol of Wisconsin is Madison, and here is the state capitol itself. It is absolutely spectacular. It was like this on all 4 sides. On Saturday, they had a farmer's market that nearly surrounded it. It was interested because it was shaded almost the entire way around it.

Look, it is Madison. All Welcome to Madison and stuff....

Courthouse in Madison, Wisconsin. The epitome of modern and super cool if you ask me.

The highlight of our trip was the drive down to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Particularly, the drive up and down the coast of Lake Michigan. It rained off and on. And the water in Lake Michigan was on the cool side. It was spectacular. Just breath taking.

Evan riding a crazy log in Lake Michigan.

M enjoying the ultimate cool that is Lake Michigan.

D, who ran into Lake Michigan with her iPod in her pocket. Things did not end well for the iPod.

Look what else we found as headed home.... a town called Darien. We visited Darien, CT back in January.

I got you babe!

2009-08-18T21:17:00.003-05:00

My son, of late, has been something of a little naughtykin. That's like ten times worse than just naughty, when you add the -kin suffix to it. Like BAD, BAD, BAD. Okay, he isn't a juvie candidate, but he could be if the stars don't align and also if he doesn't start minding me NOW. So I told him about the home schooling option, where he has to attend day care during the day, and with the babies, because all of the school age kids are where? Where? At school. I told him all about military school. I even considered taking him to see the jail. Because jails are frightening, and smelly, and rather loud, but mainly frightening. I have lectured the boy for three days straight, and I think he may have finally been listening.

This morning, on the very first day of school, I dropped off my high schooler at the high school, my middle schooler at the middle school, and my elementary student, E, at the elementary school. Elementary school starts at 9:00 AM. At a whopping 9:02 AM, I get a call on my cell phone. It is a saved number, the one for the elementary school. I have ONE student from my household at that school and I went through a multitude of thoughts before answering that call, most of which involved me spanking E's butt until he couldn't sit down, and then some. I answered the phone, and was advised they were holding Evan in the office. What in the WORLD could he have possibly done in 2 minutes? Really? So my blood pressure rose a billion whatevers, and they then informed me they were holding him in the office because I hadn't enrolled him. Unfortunately for them, I am worn out, I was already mad because I thought he had screwed up so quickly, and so, I let them know that he was indeed enrolled and frankly, I am not certain I was very nice about it. All this over a utility bill, that they indeed copied and had on file? Needless to say, my son's butt was spared. However, right hands and left hands, they should definitely be chatting.

**No children or children's bottoms have been harmed. YET.

Pennsylvania University = PU

2009-08-08T09:48:00.006-05:00

On our recent road trip, I am not going to lie, I was definitely disappointed in the flatness and all of the corn. I'm not saying corn doesn't play an important role in life, I'm just saying it sucks to drive through a few states that are nothing but corn along the highways. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep about 3 times, although I can't be positive about that, because I was sleeping.

My son had one of his famous nose bleeds in the car on the drive North. Left nostril. So he had every napkin from the glove box and maybe my sweater. Then I hear the words, "OH NO," so I check my speedometer to see if I'm headed to jail for child endangerment or not having ample napkins in the car for nose bleeds or worse. Then E says, "Now the other side is bleeding too." FANTASTIC. Use the car seat, because I'm not sure what other absorbent things we have in reach, except some feminine hygiene products, but even I am not that low to hand something like that to an unwitting nine year old little boy. Although perhaps he should be a little nicer to me, because I MIGHT. So I make the executive decision as the driver and only adult on the trip to pull over to a gas station in the middle of the corn. All this corn and no E85. I didn't need E85, but whatever. So I decide to take my son INTO the store, thinking I would take him in, get a ton of paper towels, and maybe clean the blood off of his chin, hands, neck, and so on.

Guess what, when people see a child bleeding from his face, they assume he just got smacked by someone, perhaps even a parent, such as, say, me. But he didn't, he was likely picking his nose, or just had a nose bleed as we are so prone to have in my family. Either way, I couldn't have smacked him, I was asleep, or driving, or sleeping and driving. A gentleman in the store kept asking my son if he was okay. I think he was about to take my child bodily from me and run to the nearest police station, which I feel certain was also surrounded by corn. After that confrontation, I decided to just buy a box of kleenex and get out of corn. The clerk at the check out was also suspicious and the more I explained, the worse it sounded to my own ears. Needless to say, I was NOT arrested and we made it to Minneapolis, MN that night. By the way, I always think of Minneapolis as a huge metropolis, but it isn't. OKC is bigger by about 300K people (just in the city). The MSA's are similar, if you are into that kind of thing. Sicko.

Anywho, Minneapolis is a neat place, despite being smaller than I imagined in my head. The downtown area was interesting and there were lots of indie coffee shops/restaurants to keep you sated if you visited or even lived there.

Here's a shot of downtown.

Open Book was a cool place similar to a writer's incubator, with a cool coffee shop and a total NY renovation feel. LOVED IT!

Staircase in Open Book, Minneapolis.

Different view of Open Book, Minneapolis.

I have no clue what this building is, but I seriously think it was the police station. I just thought it was cool. I want a building like that. I don't know for what reason, but I love the roof and stuff.

You really cannot visit Minneapolis without hitting the Mall of America, which honestly didn't seem THAT huge from the outside, then you get inside and realize how very wrong you were.... Here's the amusement park in the middle of the mall. It was awesome!

Then of course we had to visit the amazing Lego store. Where the lego statues were amazing, and I'm sure they would appreciate it if you yourself purchased enough legos to make a statue of your own at home. I didn't fall for that, and my son wasn't happy about it. But oh well. I just think he should be happy I fell for his puppy face and bought him some legos at all.

Left, Right, Center

2009-08-02T21:44:00.004-05:00

I find it a great thing I don't get paid for blogging. Because if I did, I would SO be fired. I'm actually consistently working (not on my blog obviously) and I'm glad because my student loans are the zombie who are going to eat my ever loving brain.... We recently took yet another completely random road trip, primarily because I was losing touch with reality and needed help regaining some solid ground. Okay, really I just needed to get out of this flat and blasted overly hot state for a moment or two. So we hit the road and headed North and slightly East to get to Minnesota, where the days were a balmy 75.

Here in Oklahoma, there are serious limits to what you can do for entertainment. One of the biggest limits is the ridiculous heat that bears down on you like a bus full of people headed somewhere fast. Because of how boring it is here, simple things entertain us. For instance we like cars. One day, we went to eat with my mother and we saw a real live Ferrari. Of course lots of entertaining conversations followed about Ferrari's and how much they cost and how I would never buy one even if I could because I'd be worried all the time. A fender bender in my current car might cost me $500.00. Who wants to guess what a fender bender would cost in a Ferrari? Not me.

The first leg of our recent road trip landed us briefly in Wichita, KS. Partially because I had a bit of work that joined us on the trip. Needless to say, the kids FREAKED out because, OH MY GOSH a 2010 CAMARO!!!!! Who cares that we are in a flat town just like home. A CAMARO!!! A REAL ONE!!!! Did I mention we are easily entertained? I so tried to tell you.

Then on the way out of Milwaukee, WI we saw a lamborghini. And I got in a LOT of trouble because I wouldn't exit when it exited and I continued driving. THE NERVE. But then I remembered that I'm the boss of them and not the reverse and so guess who got in trouble for trying to boss me around? Not me.

I have more to say about the road trip, but for now, enjoy the CAMARO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

2009-07-19T19:07:00.003-05:00

I looks like I didn't do it. I is convincing. But reallys, I prolly did it.

No other canines would dreamz of doing it but me. BUT, I playz it off well. They never suspects a thing.

Harry 6

2009-07-17T11:18:00.002-05:00

Last night, my daughter D went to see Harry Potter and the half blood prince and princess with her new boyfriend, who isn't so new anymore, but whatever. Not to be outdone, I took M and E to see it at another, more affordable theater. With much better seating I might add. We got there at the perfect time, about 10 minutes before Harry and the indian blood oklahoma trail pauper started. I haven't followed the Potter saga well because I got on this kick where I thought it was evil, but now I'm off that kick and so to the theater we went. Now I will have to rent the other 5 movies so I know what the heck everything meant in the movie. The movie had been on for about ten minutes when this man says, out loud, "Turn it off." He was on the other side of the theater, but I'm pretty sure more than just the person he was talking to heard him.

My children didn't seem to be disturbed, until the guy said more loudly,"TURN IT OFF." Then the guy yelled, "TURN IT OFF!!!" At this point, about half the theater turns around. I never saw who was yelling, but I did see a guy get up and walk out of the theater. Which makes me think his cell phone rang and he actually answered it OR he was texting. Now, I have texted during a movie because no one can see the light from my screen like you can see the light from everyone else's phone because my phone is special because it is mine. However, I would never answer my phone during a movie. Okay, and I no longer text during movies because I would die from embarassment if some guy yelled at me DURING a movie like that. Egads!

The rest of the movie played without any further excitement, well, except for the excitement that WAS the movie of course. Because that was pretty darn exciting really. That's all I have to say about that.

I think I would like that in either chrome or titanium.

2009-07-07T22:08:00.004-05:00

E has some scrappy teefers. He inherited his father's larger teeth (nothing wrong with that), but my small jaw. At the age of 8, his regular dentist kept giving us referrals to the orthodontist. I took note of that at the age of 9 and lo and behold, our insurance will pay for braces because his teefers are just jacked up.

Say hello to Brace Face.

He is being very bashful about the new metal mouth, and on the drive home from the orthodontist's office, he kicked the back of my seat (which brought me much joy, I love it when they kick the back of my seat while I'm driving [***grits teeth***]) and said, "I cannot wait to get these braces off." He then told me I just didn't understand. Of course, I then planted my foot firmly on his rear end and kicked it. No, of course I didn't do that, I was driving. But I did start a long and rambling monologue about my three years as a metal mouth. I got one sentence into my lengthy monologue, and was interrupted with an, "okay, okay, you get it, I get it, you get it," at which point I just continued my monologue cause last time I checked, I am the boss of him.

We go back next week for more brackets. His teefers were too jacked up to get all of the brackets on in the first visit. I haven't told him yet. And I plan to take a new route next week when we go so he won't suspect our destination until we are there.

Just now he discussed with me the potential for rust on the braces in his mouth. Oh the fun I will have with his braces..... I'm thinking up horror stories right now...

When I say goodbye to someone, I expect it to stick.

2009-07-06T20:24:00.003-05:00

No, that is NOT a pear tree, it is a CHAIR tree. Duh.

Also, yes the grass is dead. Thanks for noticing. The back yard is way too big to water, so I didn't. So there.

Like rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic

2009-07-03T09:05:00.003-05:00

I sometimes wonder if the lady in the office next door had any idea that I can hear every single word that comes out of her mouth, if she would talk so loud. I really didn't need to know her friend uses vaginal cream successfully.

So last night, I was showing my friend the landlady video, the one with Will Ferrell and Pearl, the landlord, wherein she proceeds to cuss him up one side and down the other, and although wildly inappropriate, I will always find it hilarious. Before we watched that video, a new video appeared.... Go watch it. Now.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6670edb858/match-com-jon-gosselin

I am not going to lie, I had no idea match.com allowed you to do commercials. I am totally signing back up yo.

Teddy had the political acuity of a koala.

2009-06-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

This week, I saw the new Transformers movie. Brilliant.

This week it has been over a hundred degrees every single day. That is ridiculous. The grass is totally tee'd off. So am I. It is hard to breathe. Oppressive really. I'm trying to embrace the summer though, because it is only June, so it won't be getting better anytime soon.

Summery wines are my friend. So is ice cold water!

This week I decided I'm so ready for a vacation. A real one. Where I can relax and enjoy stuff.

This week I hired an intern/law clerk. I'm pretty pumped up about it! YAY for becoming more efficient.

This week I got an appointment for E to get braces. I think he is actually excited about it and I find that adorable.

This week I also got an appointment for M to have surgery on her left foot. She essentially has an extra ankle bone. I had to have the same surgery, one foot at a time. We are going to have fun this summer before her surgery. Because she will be in a cast for 6-8 weeks and that won't be so fun. But she will feel way better.

This week I decided that I can't get rid of the dogs because I'm annoyed. This home is their forever home. I cannot just discard them when I can help make them better dogs in the first place.

This week, I am alive.

I always take no for an answer.

2009-06-14T19:30:00.003-05:00

Recently I started reading this new blog called www.motherhoodinnyc.com. She is one funny cat. She posted recently about her summer reading plan, or books she wants to read this summer, or something like that, and I read the post and then read the comments and created my own summer reading list (not like I needed the help, I love to read, but I'm totally down with broadening my horizons a little at a time, because any more than that and I'm going on strike.) Thus far, I have read some Edith Wharton (not as boring as I expected and frankly very well written). I also read A Fraction of the Whole, a novel by Steve Toltz, and it has me laughing out loud and also struggling to put it down. It is ridiculous on top of ridiculous, but also very poignant. Or something. I find it entertaining. I read The Host by Stephanie Meyer (the author of the Twilight series). This was supposed to be her first adult novel. But to be frank, I found it to be written more on a teenaged level with teenaged simplicity. Nevertheless, I liked the ideas, even though it was predictable.

On top of reading, I am still working on building my solo practice and wonder often during the day what level of insanity made me decide this was a good idea. Also, my couch smells like dog and like fritos. I suspect the frito smell is also a dog thing. I don't like it one bit.

In a Land Far, Far Away

2009-06-02T09:12:00.001-05:00

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

There's some pretty cool places out in Queens.

2009-05-31T21:06:00.005-05:00

This week has been eventful. First and foremost, we have progress on the fence. Well, compared to what we did have, which was flat open plains. Right? Now we have those stick things, um, and those are helping, um.... Okay, fine, the fence is still down. Happy now? My fence guy has a regular day job. Darn those day jobs to heck....

This past weekend, I had a house full of darling children, that I enjoyed like crazy. We hit the zoo and there was this tiger and he kept following this guy on the people side of the fence who had an ice chest. Back and forth, back and forth. It was hilarious. Evidently Mr. Tiger gets his rare steak out of an igloo icechest on wheels, eh?

Then this cute little orangutan who just wanted someone to rescue him from behind that mean old glass.

Here are the kids posing. Posers.....

There's all kinds of ways of dying, but only one way of being dead.

2009-05-24T15:42:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like starting your week with a little something like this....

Am I right, or am I right? I know NONE of you have ever heard me complain about the Wind Sweeping Down the Freaking Plains. I may create a new blog category called that, since it happens so often. 6 fence panels down. Wind - 6, Fence ZERO. Oh how my beloved loves the fact that escaping from the safety of our backyard has now become the easiest thing EVER. Joy.

Was that marbles I heard in the bath tub?

2009-05-11T20:42:00.003-05:00

I just wish people could hear the sound effects my son is making as he does his homework across from me here at the dining room table. I am, quite frankly, amazed he gets anything done. Just now he smacked his head with both hands and then advised me, "It's too hard. It's too hard I tell ya." Now he is asking me the answers, like I'm dumb enough to tell him. 1800. And now he is cursing Algebra, except I'm pretty sure there is no Algebra in 3rd grade. But whoever invented Algebra, E wants to strangle you, so just be on the look out for a little brown haired boy making sound effects for everything.

So recently I attended two semi-networking events. Of course, part of the networking event was really just having good old fashioned fun. The first event was Mom's Night Out hosted by MetroFamily Magazine. The event was put together by the amazing Whitney Fleming. It was held at a local indy restaurant, Iron Starr BBQ and was rather pleasant. My law firm (that means me) donated two door prizes to the event because I'm super cool like that. They handed out the cutest little bags full of wonderful things. However, one item in my bag was this tiny bottle of red finger nail polish. Emblazoned across the front of the bottle is the word OBSESSED. Turns out the nail polish is a movie promo and all I can say is SWEET! I love nail polish movie promotions now! Just think, WOLVERINE. Silver polish with fangs. TRANSFORMERS. Yellow nail polish, or black. Whatever. HANNAH MONTANA THE MOVIE. Forget that, too big to fit on a tiny bottle of nail polish.

The second networking event was fun too. But more formal and less networky as it were. More a nice evening out without kids. Which is, in my opinion, a necessity every now and then. But anyway, I was talking about nail polish.... I'm still pretty excited about that.

In other news, people who tweet too much are guilty of having twitterhea. Please take some mylanta for that problem.

Stellar. Simply Stellar. And pimply perhaps as well.

2009-05-05T21:15:00.002-05:00

Guess what internets? I have clients. This is fantastic, right? Because now I don't have time to blog and this saves your eyes, all two of my readers! That is how much myself and my two clients care about your well being. This week, it is only Tuesday and I have been so busy my head is spinning. Now that could merely be because an exorcist is in need, but hopefully that is not the case.

Because I have actual clients and more than one client, I have been on the phone. A. LOT. I use my cell phone for business, 1) because I'm cheap; b) because I think I have plenty of minutes for this, right?; and 3) I'm pretty frugal. So why pay for a land line in the office when my cell phone is sufficient? My logic is undeniable. Which was totally true until about May 2nd of the year of our Lord 2009. See, on or about May 2nd, I was OUT of my 3000 anytime minutes. So I had like 10 minutes to make it until midnight on May 7th. Let's not talk about what those 3000 whenever minutes did to my neck and please don't tell my auto insurer that some of those minutes happened while I was driving, which is a big no-no.

I have been with my cell phone provider FOREVER, meaning 10 years, give or take. For once in my life, internets, I was LOYAL. I was only loyal because I got grandfathered in to this 3000 minute plan for $49.99. So for the second time in my 10 years as a very loyal client, give or take, I was 10 minutes from running over my minutes and I used those 10 minutes wisely, by calling my cell phone provider and begging profusely. At which time my cell phone provider informed me that I was eligible for a new plan, because I had been so loyal. I'm sure this was a load of BS and they didn't want me to switch to Cricket. Anyway, now I get unlimited minutes, plus nationwide long distance, plus unlimited texts, for the low, low price of $49.99. Now that was an offer I could not refuse. So I didn't. See internets, begging works.

With No One As Witness

2009-05-03T16:47:00.004-05:00

I post. I don't post. I post. I don't post. There is no means to the madness. I am trying to get my new office together. Guess what, nothing is free. Of course, I knew that. Case in point, I am not a big fan of flat paint. I find it cheap and relatively useless. So today I purchased the paint I will be using in my office that will do nothing but improve it, if nothing else because it is an eggshell finish and not flat. I want to do something really funky, like this.... but alas, my office is not that big and my clients are not hiring me for my creativity. I figure I can save the funky style for my house, but perhaps being a bit more conservative at my office is in order, since I do live in the bible belt and this is a conservative state. Oh, the suppression.

I find myself with a dilemma. I love my dogs. And I am cheap. So I have dogs that shed, but don't require grooming. Which is great. But along with being cheap, I just don't like shedding. Because dog hair. On everything. Particularly up my nose. Normally I just have to clean more often than usual, which isn't a huge problem except I would rather sleep, do laundry, work, hang with the kids, read, etc. instead of cleaning up dog hair. This weekend, I sucked it up on the cheapness and splurged on a furminator. I am not going to lie, this thing is my new best friend. I love it. Granted, it doesn't work so well on my beloved, who has like the shortest hair EVER, but it works beautifully on darling Skippy Jon Jones, who tolerated being furminated very well. I also think if I ever get a collie, I'm naming it furminator. Because I can.

My son is asking about umbilical cords again.

2009-04-28T20:51:00.003-05:00

The dog keeps licking my heel. So I move my foot. And she follows my foot. What is so tasty about my heel? Don't answer that, I really do not want to know.

I have not wanted to cook this week and so the kids and I went out for burgers one night. I have a snarky sense of humor and some little one liners come to me more often than they should. One of my one liners occurs in a restaurant when a server or other restaurant employee drops something. I always say, loud enough for only my table to hear, "Job Opening." The great thing is, about every other time you eat out, a restaurant employee drops something, so when you so quickly come up with this one, people think you are funny (I just like to tell myself this, the reality is they probably want to stick a nasty gym sock in my throat to make me shut up already.)

About a year or so ago, we went to Chili's for someone's birthday. I think it was my mom's because my brother actually showed up. M was probably 9 or 10. M has pretty much NO filter, which can be entertaining at times, but at other times makes me want to sew her mouth shut. Twice. On this particular occasion, a new server dropped pretty much an entire tray of plates about one table away from us. M announced, in what was pretty much a shout, "JOB OPENING!" The red faced server looked at our table, and then tucked tail and ran to the kitchen. We didn't see that server again for our entire meal. Needless to say, I watch my mouth a good nine times out of ten now, and for nearly 2 years, we have been working on a FILTER. Because there is nothing like being at Wal-Mart, grumbling about a certain something, and having your 10 year old parrot back, "YOU MEAN, ONCE A MONTH YOU BLEED????" loud enough for your friends in Kentucky to hear. LOVELY.

Put in a fresh trash bag please.

2009-04-21T21:03:00.004-05:00

I took the kids to get their hair cut tonight. Evan's hair is just strange and I had her cut his bangs shorter than usual. He loves the shaggy hair thing, but he got his daddy's hair and the shaggy thing will never work for him. I haven't had the heart to tell him. Instead I just take him and go against his wishes while he is strapped down to a chair getting his hair did.

On our way home from the hair cuts, my middle child reminded me that I signed the consent form that allows her to be subjected to the PUBERTY VIDEO. She then informed me of the main rule while watching the video: If you laugh during the video, you have to go to the Principal's office and explain, while looking the Principal in the eyes, what you were laughing at while watching the video. This statement from my child, of course, made me snicker. I'm sure it is the affliction of all superior parents, laughing at puberty and the terms that come with it. And thus ensued a conversation that is probably not going to get me the parent of the year award.

Honestly, why do they make the words that refer to a persons private parts so freaking funny sounding? Plus, kids this age, just starting into puberty, they are nervous and rightfully so. All of a sudden their little bodies change and in some ways that are a little bit alarming (armpit hair anyone???). So when you hear said private part references in what you know is supposed to be a serious context, you want to burst out laughing. Or at least I do. How will I face the Principal when myself when I get called into her office because my daughter laughs out loud at the word vagina while watching the film and explains to the principal that she found the word funny and in fact, I also find it amusing...... This will not end well.

Love is watching someone go

2009-04-20T20:54:00.003-05:00

Tonight my beloved Hammer completed his second of eight training classes. He has known how to sit since he was a wee pup. I was so pumped up about Hammer's mad sitting skillz that I almost bragged out loud when the instructor said we were doing "sit" first today. But guess what, Hammer, my beloved, he refused to freaking sit AT ALL tonight. Needless to say, I was glad I hadn't bragged out loud like I wanted to deep down in the pit of my liver. However, he was da bomb at "leave it." I am hopeful. He can do this, meaning, good Lord I hope I can do this. Because my patience is wearing thin with my beloved.

After I drank my slim fast shake for dinner and did that weird head shake because what did I just put in my mouth, I made a faux pie crust. I did this mainly because I wanted to eat some butter and it made me feel better to add flour and milk and say I was eating pie crust when really a spoonful of butter would have sufficed. I wonder why I like butter so much. Because the ewww factor is there and it makes me sick thinking that I ate butter tonight with my slim fast shake.

Yesterday, I got some new shoes at CATO. I have never purchased shoes there before and I am still a bit unsure about them, but they are comfy. I am sure because I paid $11.00 for them, they will fall apart around Thursday. Until then, I have a cute pair of black shoes to replace my river bottom smelling old pair.